Four Times The Stomach
I am ready.
I think.
I know.
I know?
SO I'm all prepared mentally to tell Jenny. Only problem is she's so preoccupied with her girlfriend.
I mean CONSTANTLY. Which I am obviously happy for her about. I mean she's had such awful relationships with girls before who just walked all over her. She's so giving of her heart (which is why I feel comfortable about telling her) and that, of course, made her vulnerable to dickheads.
Her current girlfriend is wicked and I enjoy her company. But I kinda need to be alone with her, but whenever I try and organise time to meet up she's already busy. Its like any spare time is for her g/f.
It's no big and there is certainly no rush. Its just annoying atm!
Second. Seeing my family the other day was the most (halairious) re-energising thing ever. I definately needed it. I forget just how much of an effect they have on me. For the past couple times I have been down home I have been imagining telling her. Telling any of them...
I couldn't visualise it before. In the atmosphere I couldn't even imagine the words leaving my mouth. But this time I felt compelled AND relaxed. Like it was going to burst out of me with the next bout of laughter. Even better I got the vibe that if I had it would have gone down pretty well. I'm learning to trust my gut a little more.
I really want to tell my mum and Jenny. I feel like this is the next step. Even if it isn't the logical one.... I don't know.
Thirdly. Guess who wont stop texting me...?
Alex.
Suprised?
After the way he spoke to me on Sunday I had made no effort to reply. I had to get my head back together.
He bugged me with messages on Monday until I finally replied.
But I'm taking a step back. Clearly things are moving too fast for me. I think he can sense that. He's being a lot more compassionate. Checking I'm alright. Asking what I'm up to...
Everything about him is apologetic. So I think he got the message.
The act needs to change.
Finally.
Ben has invited me up to Manchester for a house party at his on Friday. No big.
I messaged him asking what time to come...
'whenever, if u come early its fine, I'm still off uni until monday so we can always just have a wander round or something, so upto you =) and it would be nice to see you. x'
It would be nice to see you too....
... DAMN IT ALL
Maybe I should tell him? (that I'm bi, not that I'm a catastrophically infatuated with him)
I mean, dear god I know he would accept it.
Or it could be really awkward and the elephant in the room would swell to double its size...
I'll just play by ear...
Like I said. I'm learning to trust my gut.
I'm trying to.
I might still end up being wrong.
But it's still better than failing to stomach it and beating myself up with possibilities.
Right?
Sam
28 January 2010 at 08:32
good good I like that attitude. Tell Jenny you need to talk to her, just the two of us, cause it's important. Good luck with Mom. That Alex just realized he messed up, I see... Donmu't you think Ben would feel relieved you're not simply catastrophically infatuated?