The Birthday Update
Hi. Im Sam.
I am now twenty years old.
SO here's a little catch-up...
I met with my producer this afternoon and we started discussing terms for a record deal, which has been really exciting, we start work on a new track tomorrow which is always fun but it means another hellish journey with national rail who, due to the snow, keep canceling journeys left right and centre. >:-(
I decided that Alex can wait a little longer, though I think he senses I am feeling the pressure (which actually isn't true, I feel much calmer - followed i_lk_me's advice so no more worries there... thanks!). He keeps sending me messages checking I'm okay, which is great, but spending the whole day with my parents meant I had to sneakily reply to messages etc. which I hate.
Truth be told, sneaking around behind your parents back is the type of thing you do when you are fourteen, its kind of a given. Now it just feels like a waste of time, and requires a lot of effort - not mention it makes me feel wrong, like I'm being underhanded.
To be honest the hardest part at the moment is not being able to tell the people closest to me about that I'm bi. I mean I can speak on here and it doesn't matter, and I already feel so much better just from venting a little, but these past few days with my friends and family for my birthday has been amazing. When I'm in that place I feel so good that I just want to bring it up and say it like its no big deal. Then, ideally; they reel back momentarily, they say something like 'about time' or 'yeah I thought so' and then the evening carries on...
But I don't dare
Mainly because I know there is a high chance that ISN'T how it will go down. The likelihood is that they WILL change. My career could be jeopardised and that is NOT good. Anything could happen. Which is unfair because it wont alter the way I am with ANYONE.
I think the only option I might consider is being selectively out. But that means I need to pick wisely - last thing I want is to tell some loud mouth - or worse; someone who doesn't understand the delicacy of the situation and blackmails me into coming out (both have happened to people I know... not good news).
But I am feeling so much more positive about this year and the future. The more I talk about it, the less scary it seems...
...I may just be making a breakthrough for the better...
Sam
15 January 2010 at 05:15
Coming out: another messy business. But I think Patrick Wolf did it the right way (Wikipedia if you aren't familiar lol).
But that's once you have a career, etc. Guh. Bastard heterocentric entertainment industry!
BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY: family. It might just happen to pop out one day, totally by accident and it will feel great. Or you'll put a lot of planning into how you do it and the plan will fuck up anyway :P
But you're going to have to face it eventually, so... yes. Be calm, be happy in yourself. Fuck what everyone else thinks.
(on a (more?) personal note; I'd love to hear some of your music :D I know that's probably inappropriate, but I'm a BIT of a music junkie (in case you couldn't tell), so yes.)
xx
(BAHAHAH! Word verification "imenim". nice work.)