"The Greatest Thing You Will Ever Learn Is To Love And Be Loved In Return"
- Baz Luhrman's Moulin Rouge
I have been putting off telling this story since I started this blog; mainly because I know it could potentially be the longest I ever write. But I am thinking it will help me in my decision making at the moment so, in apology, this is my therapy.
This blog, this place I'm in mentally, and physically. Is tracable to two pivotal people.
In terms of timeline, the second influence was Alex, for reasons I have already explained, he is certainly responsible for the physical awakening.
But the first influence was/is Ben and he has certainly forced me to address myself mentally...
In June 2008, me and my friends went a two week 'Lads' holiday abroad, we kept the numbers small so four of us went from 6th form. Me, Dave, Tim and Ben.
I loosely knew Ben from sixth form, he was really friendly, funny. Aside from being present when he came out to our friendship group two summers before, I had rarely interracted with him. We had no shared classes, we just shared a (pretty large) circle of friends. He was close with Tim and Dave and he seemed pretty easy to get along with; so I didn't mind that I didn't know him as well as the other two.
We went on the holiday and I remember the first night we were there we went to one of the small bars in the village we were staying. We had a really good night. We made friends with the owner, had a laugh - it was wicked.
I remember at one point for some reason I left the bar on my own, (on the phone to home?) and walked up the road talking and eventually sat on a wall at the top of the street.
After a while Ben came up the road alone looking for me. He sat beside me on the concrete wall and we talked.
Getting to know you conversation really. I became aware of just how similar we were. Mentally that is. Morals, ideals, approaches, concerns, weaknesses. But our interests, talents and general life circles never touched common ground.
As far as I am concerned the ingredients for any kind of positive relationship.
We shortly remet our other two friends (they called to find us, we'd been gone for over 40 mins...) so we headed home.
Ben and I stayed up all night out on the balcony. We discussed him and his life and me and mine. 6th form. Uni. Hopes. Ambitions. Textbook stuff.
Unintentionally we stumbled on the subject of my romantic life being pretty shit. I mentioned that I was thinking about breaking up with my then girlfriend when I got back. He understood. Worse. He could relate. It meant I wasn't crazy. Great.
We talked about his issues with his family. His coming out. He got emotional. With my arm on his shoulder I consoled him. Just as he had done for me.
It is here I would like to ressurrect my point about attraction. Naturally different things attract different people. In addition I feel The same things attract the same person. Everytime. Without fail.
With some people the link is obvious. Normally if your type can be distinguished physically.
"She only dates blondes"
"He went black, never went back"
"She's a duracell bunny"
Myself. I have fancied blondes, I have dated redheads and after I went black I was happy to come back - so I can honestly say it is not just about looks for me.
I am a sucker for honesty.
I am so intolerant of bullshitters that there are surprisingly few people I am ever attracted to. Properly. I would say about 3% of the population. Male or Female. I am attracted to genuine people.
So whether it was Ben speaking honestly to me about my relationship. Or breaking down about his mothers harsh demeanor, the bottom line was; I was unavoidably and expectedly attracted to him.
I've been attracted to guys before (obv) so it didn't scare me or make me feel awkward. But I went through that stage where I couldn't help looking at him. It didn't help that we were constantly half naked around each other in the heat, or in the sea... I couldn't stop myself.
We spent a lot of time together. We just had so much in common, it was like discovering a best friend, but with a heated undertone.
There was a lot, of what seemed like, flirty banter. As much as I kept rationalising everything he said to me, to prevent myself reading into things... there were some things I couldn't quite brush off...
One night we were REALLY drunk and we were all playing music really loud. Tim and Dave were on the XBOX and me and Ben were singing at the top of our voices behind them. Some dirty club song came on and he pulled me over to him. He started grinding me. Actually FULL ON grinding me. I have never danced with a guy like that. We were laughing. Making it seem as normal as possible. I avoided his eye contact throughout, I didn't trust myself to lock eyes with him.
'You're a great dancer, You'd make a great gay guy.'
I looked at him then. I expressed what I hoped was confusion on my face and not the Hope, Lust and Defensiveness that was stormtrooping its way through my hindered conciousness.
After that day, for the rest of the holiday, we both kept a distance from each other. Well, he kept his distance from me, no matter how much I found myself being drawn toward him. (then dragging myself away).
By the second to last day I was so confused and mixed up. I couldn't stop thinking about him. I had only just met him. (The worst part about being an overly rational person is that when something happens that you don't allow yourself to explore; you freak out...) I was SO confused.
I went out onto the balcony, in what I felt was a subtle manner. nevertheless a few minutes later Ben came out onto the balcony and asked me if I was alright. It was the first time we'd been alone together properly since the first night. It was obvious, regardless of whether he felt anything for me or not, that he was aware of it too. I can't explain. Anyway....
He sat next to me and told me not to say anything and hugged me. He didn't ask me why I was upset, but I gave him some stupid reason anyway (???)
We started talking. About everything (we even covered astro-physics... seriously, Ben is a genius...). Even more than the first night. Tim came out onto the balcony at 3 am, to tell us it was 3 am and sat in on the conversation. We had to change the conversations nature then. I think we both felt a little gutted. Dave came a few seconds later, asking about the Maxibon bar in the fridge and then sat out with us. We talked more and watched the sun come up. Then went to bed.
Months past and I met Ben in a club, by accident, back home. I had got seperated from my friends, so I joined his. We started dancing together and this time I started grinding him. He quickly reciprocated and it was though I was this completely different person. It was... wow.....?
We went to Mac Donalds and Ben basically started breaking down our friends in attractiveness (his other friend had asked him to). I asked him to rate us all (1 - poor 10- perfect... I'm sure we're all familiar with the similar...) he gave most of our friends an eight or seven in most categories.
"You Sam... definite ten in personality. Nine in looks. Nine in the body."
I was like "really? (hallelujah?) doubt it"
"Yeah definately!" and went on to list off the reasons for the ratings.
But the whole time there was this matter-of-factly vibe to his talk. That made it difficult to ascertain whether he was speaking from personal opinion or factual observation. I wanted it to be his opinion...
He ended up coming to my house to stay because he couldn't find his other friend (turns out she'd gone home to shag some random girl from the club...)
Because I was using my sister's old room there was only a single bed. We're both pretty tall so we couldn't share it. I searched the house and found the double blow-up bed. I figured I'd give that to him and I'd sleep on the single. SO while he went to the bathroom, got ready, I was using the footpump to spring the bed to life... He came in and asked me how far along the blowing up process was... I looked up and he was stood, in nothing but his boxers, staring at the bed. I took the time to look him up and down.
I had obviously seen him like this before. But never when we were alone. In a bedroom. Weird. Good Weird.
I started getting ready for bed. He got in the bed. I pulled out my sleeping bag to sleep on the single bed in the corner of the room. He turned to me
'Wait. Where are you sleeping?'
'Here?' I indicated to the single bed.
'Oh'
He sounded dissapointed. I think he did. My God, who knows.
I lay in the single bed, mentally beating the shit out of myself.
What would have happened if I had got into bed with him.
I didn't even think it would be okay to get into bed with him?
Maybe thats why he came to mine and not Gemmas? Maybe he thought we would....?
Doubt it. It's not like that. Is it? Of course it is. Nope you're reading too much into it!
I do that occasionally in case you can't tell...
That was the last time I saw him single. I saw him a few months later, and a few weeks ago.
He's still with his boyf and I am still kicking the shit out of myself in a mental battlefield I created for my sexuality... Fuck You Ben.
Phew...
Now you're up to date.
!
and I promise; I will try not to do this to you again....
SO how's your LL going??
Sam
