Hi. I'm Sam.

"Ambivalence suggests strong feelings in opposition.

The prefix; as in ambidextrous, means "both". 

Dear Ben

Hi. Im Sam.

I am now twenty years old.

SO here's a little catch-up...

I met with my producer this afternoon and we started discussing terms for a record deal, which has been really exciting, we start work on a new track tomorrow which is always fun but it means another hellish journey with national rail who, due to the snow, keep canceling journeys left right and centre. >:-(

I decided that Alex can wait a little longer, though I think he senses I am feeling the pressure (which actually isn't true, I feel much calmer - followed i_lk_me's advice so no more worries there... thanks!). He keeps sending me messages checking I'm okay, which is great, but spending the whole day with my parents meant I had to sneakily reply to messages etc. which I hate.

Truth be told, sneaking around behind your parents back is the type of thing you do when you are fourteen, its kind of a given. Now it just feels like a waste of time, and requires a lot of effort - not mention it makes me feel wrong, like I'm being underhanded.

Mother and Father.

Regardless of preference; the phrase lends itself to the two people who can make or break you simply by being themselves...

I was thinking about friendship.


Specifically I was thinking about Ben and OUR friendship.


It occurred to me that he is not the first 'friend' I have developed deeper feelings for.


The first was Charlie.


A girl called Jessica from outside school had fancied me for ages and I didn't know - she told one of her friends - Claire; who happened to be dating a guy at my school and I guess he thought he'd get his brownie points by setting the two of us up.


His name is Charlie.


Charlie spoke to me about Jess, I asked her out once and we ended up dating. The relationship was pretty short-lived; as most relationships are when you're 15. But me and Charlie discovered we had a LOT in common, our thoughts, opinions, grievances and sense of humour were very similar. He had a group of friends, so when I started dating Jess he inserted me nicely into the group. When me and Jess broke up I stayed.


He broke up with his girlfriend shortly after and over time I watched him go from relationship to relationship. We became best friends. I didn't know it then, but he was textbook my type. He was independent, caring and slightly vulnerable. Annoyingly; I was sold.


My identity as a bisexual has always been present to me. I have always been attracted to both. I was convinced this was normal, being raised in a catholic school - where being gay is a 'choice', I guess I assumed that this meant EVERYONE was attracted to men AND women and that is what 'choosing' was about.


Wrong.


As time had gone on I became aware that I had developed strong feelings for Charlie, I was convinced they were just friendly.


Wrong.


Truth is I fancied the pants off him and all the sexual frustration was making me restless. I really couldn't stop thinking about guys. About him. During that period any female fantasies were completely replaced by male ones. I wanted to at least kiss a guy. I was convinced Charlie was up for it. Unfortunately I was equally convinced he wasn't and I knew I would never have the backbone to make anything happen, so I let it go. I wasn't going to get what I wanted.


Wrong.


At that age everyone we knew was having 'tent parties' - which entailed groups of us 15 year olds, climbing up into the fields behind school and camping over night. We'd drink, we'd play spin the bottle, we'd fool around. Teenage kicks.


Daniel, one of Charlie's friends, was throwing a tent party for his birthday that October in the half term. I didn't know him well, I'd met him once, but he remembered me and told Charlie to bring me.


The party started off pretty normally, we met at the bus stop, walked for about fifteen minutes. It started to get dark, so we pitched up the tents and started drinking the alco-pops (those were the days) Daniel had bought from the off-license with his brothers ID. Once a bottle was finished, he started the games...


Once we we're all sat in the circle for spin the bottle I started to notice there were less girls than boys. Really that should have been the biggest giveaway that Daniel was bisexual, but I was slightly oblivious. Dan span, it landed on Emma, I span it landed on Caitlin, Charlie span and it landed on Dan.


To my experience, this outcome normally resulted in a gay joke and a re-spin. So when Charlie leaned over and pulled Dan in for a long kiss, I was expectedly confused.


(Maybe a little bit turned on...)


The game continued and as we got more drunk the timings got higher, the kisses got deeper and naturally I had not landed one boy.


Eventually, well into the 20 second rule, I span the empty WKD bottle on the tent floor and it pointed to Jon. Daniels friend, (in retrospect pretty good looking? I dunno I was fifteen, everyone was good looking...)


He kissed me and I just remember how weird it felt. Different. In a good way. It certainly didn't feel like any other kiss I'd had before... With girls I feel all butterfly-like in my stomach, whereas this was like someone had set off some fiery, explosion. In my veins. I felt really warm, excited and suddenly really powerful. Intense.


When I span again it was Dan and this time I pulled his head toward mine, without thinking I ran my hand round to the back of his head and I could feel him shuffle his body in closer along the waterproof mat, he pulled himself up to match my kneeling position and my hands slid down to his sides, I felt him place his hands along my jaw-line, pushing his hands up into my hair then down to my neck, I started to pull his hips in toward me. I stopped.


I suddenly became aware we were still playing a game. That everyone would be looking. Shit.


'Sam you're a good kisser!' he laughed slightly drunkenly. I just laughed back. I think a part of me didn't really believe it had just happened. 


'Well, happy birthday Dan!'. The game continued to Charlie's spin and, while I was still recovering from the Dan experience, the bottle landed on me again.


Dan declared we move up to the 30 second rule


Now I was bricking it. He laughed, he made a joke. I stayed where I was for a second, laughing desperately trying not to look eager.


'Oh - Go on then...' he said, in the spirit of routine and without hesitation he leaned in from my right and kissed me. He was a good kisser, but I refused to put my hands all over him, despite the fact I had spent the past few months thinking of nothing else. I thought it would be better like this.


Wrong


He pulled me to face him more, running his left hand round my side, up toward my shoulders and as they ventured to the back of my head it pushed my body closer to him. Instinctively I slid my fingers into his hair, which seemed to spur him on. His free hand lifted to my other side as his kiss got slightly slower and deeper, I began to traipse my fingers down the front of his chest to the top of his thigh.


The kiss ended, the game carried on and the rest of the night Dan came up with ridiculous new games that required us all to kiss, not that anyone was objecting...


As time went on, I started dating a girl called Charlotte, who I met at the same party, and we had a pretty long and healthy relationship. I of course eventually stopped fancying Charlie and now we are just friends, and we certainly don't talk about that night, except in the occasional jokey reference...


It's definitely better like this.




Sam