- Of many things. -
- Of time - Its been a really busy week and I keep forgetting to update because I have assessments, sheer sexual confusion and people keep having birthdays. I'm sorry. I let myself down. Consider this a reformation...
- Of patience - Damn it! when Ben came down he was really strange. He'd been a little weird when I met him and Dave in Morrisons (supermarket). I can't really explain it. He just was. We had a subdued evening after all - we ended up going back to Dave's accomodation and making a pizza from scratch. (mmmmmm). While Ben washed the pans, Dave went down to the third floor to put his washing in the dryer, I told him. He was silent for a while.
'Okaaaay' his face was unreadably calm, with that same untranslatable grin that makes me feel like I'm from another planet.
- Of hope - We talked, obviously Dave returned and we all discussed the 'joys' of sexuality. There we were, like a bunch of old men, sat discussing relationships on Davids big red sofa. Brilliant. In the flurry of discussion Ben told us he currently liked this other guy called Ryan who is apparently unobtainable (wonder how that feels?). I promptly gave up. In my head there was no point in trying anymore. And that weird energy that had always been present wasn't there, it was like I was just numb to it. URGH.
- Of energy - The conversation rebounded onto me when Ben asked me when I 'realised' it was something I had to do.
JEEZ.
As honestly as I could, but without being obvious, I told him that I basically always felt this way, but a few years ago I really fancied this guy, 'and still do a little bit'. But it could never happen for many reasons. I wasn't really looking at him, I knew I would give myself away. When I eventually did look he had a much more serious look on his face.
'You should tell him, even if nothing can happen at least you can discuss it.'
I say it was a serious look because Ben doesn't usually hold eye contact for very long, but he was staring at me.
- Of sanity - Naturally this weird behaviour kickstarted my head into psychodrive and I began analysing everything he said and did. Square One. Brilliant.
We all slept on Dave's bed in sleeping bags. Dave's head at the bottom of the bed and Me and Ben at the top. I slept with my back to Ben, but when I woke up in the morning I must have rolled over, I could feel the wall at my back. I blinked my eyes open, and Ben was facing me.
His eyes quickly shut.
He'd been looking at me?!
I stared at him, I was a bit shocked, I wasn't even sure I had just seen it. Did I?
I watched the blood rush into his cheeks. He was blushing. His eyes closed he rolled over, as though he was sleeping, onto his back.
I would like to say that the hope it filled me with was comforting. Or exciting.
But it was just. Shit.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
There is no better word. Now I have to deal with my own mind. AGAIN.
I don't have time to live in the debate. I don't have time to do this for another fucking four months.
- Of Excuses - I don't want to taint the friendship by bringing it up if I'm making it up, but after last Sunday I don't think I am. I need to feel sane again?!
Maybe I've got enough good friends...?
