The Second Step
SO... okay it's been a while. But I have had a busy week!
but first thing's first
Ben's party
Ben is staying in halls ('dorms' for the non-brit) in Manchester and he had invited a few people round for a party at his the friday night. I came early, before everyone else but I was later than planned and other arrivals were imminent, so I didn't get a chance to talk to him alone, which is probably a good thing because I have no idea what I might have said...
Dave, a friend from home who recently came out, came too. as did Jamie, Ben's ex; who I have never really spoke to, except when he was with Ben obv. and this other guy Nathan, also gay, came too in addition to some random others, who I haven't really met before...
We all got drunk in the house, then went out to two bars. Then Ben ended up going back to the house with some of the other guests. Leaving me, Dave, Nathan, Jamie and some others just floating. We all ended up going to Canal Street (someone had covered two of the letters to spell 'anal treet' lol - love it.) It was great, music was wicked, just had a great time.
Dave and I were walking back ahead of the group together talking. I was relaxed. I don't know why but I told him. Everything.
It just felt right...
This Thursday I went home for Charlie's birthday and I was talking to him and I told him. Nearly everything (skipped the 'I used to have a crush on you part... that would've been weird...') and he was more than fine with it. It was out of the blue but great.
It just felt right...
But the MOST amazing thing of all happened today.
Me and Raquel (my flatmate) went to Fibre; a gay bar where Miki works, to surprise him. We got there and he wasn't there. So we sat down. She was talking about relationships and I could feel the 'I have to tell you' feeling building up inside me. She was reaching the end of her romantic dilemmas rant and I could see the reciprocating question stampeding toward the conversation... so I prepared myself. I built my speech up to it. The words all planned.
Problem was I couldn't get the words out. It was too risky. Far too high pressure. We were in a public place. I was getting embarassed. I blushed. Heavily. My god. (I'm mixed race. trust me. blushing is a feat within itself....)
She saw me struggling with it so long I could tell I was giving myself away. She was smiling and I knew she had figured it out.
'Are you trying to say you like guys Sam?'
....
'Yeah. Kind of. Yeah Basically'
'Okay... so why are you making such a big deal out of it?'
I laughed. Relief and genuine hilarity.
She took it well. Great actually. We talked at great length but had to stop cos Raya came and met us (a girl I was with in freshers, I figured telling her then would have been awkward in more ways than I needed at that moment)
THEN My phone rang. It was Andrea.
Andrea and I have been BEST BEST BEST friends since we were 6 years old. We are like minded in nearly every possible way, she is a lot more carefully planned and executed than me, but that aside... We have always had a deep, unexplainable, connection. We are literally like siblings and above everyone, her reaction is the one I feared. The one that would literally make or break the coming out process. Which is why I have been putting it off.
I answered the phone and I can't explain it, but before she even spoke I could tell she was about to tell me something important. I excused myself from the conversation with Raquel and Raya and went outside.
We were talking. She told me she had something to tell me and I said I did too.
I told her I was attracted to guys.
She was fine with it.
She told me that she has gender identity disorder (I think that's its proper name???)
I was fine with it.
The conversation went on for at least two hours... surgery (hers), coming out (both of ours), men(mine), our past. All under scrutiny. Beautiful. You couldn't put it in a film, honestly surreal...
I said I have always kind of known. She said she always kind of knew about me.
Why have we wasted so much time?!
BEST DAY EVER!
I feel so strong now she knows. I cant explain that either. Now she is fine with it I just feel like I can tell anyone else and I DON'T care how they take it. I guess she is the only person I know I can't live in the disapproval of.
I have NEVER felt this happy to be me.
WOOOHOOO!!!
Good. Times.
- Bit hyper as you can imagine. Sorry if it makes no sense!
Sam
p.s. Eduardo and i_lk_me - I'm not gonna lie. I REALLY couldn't have made a single step without your support. Whatever ends up happening - I can't thank you enough for helping me come to terms with myself and my identity and of course being here for the closeted madness from day one... How you put up with all this is a testament to your endurance.
It just felt right...
This Thursday I went home for Charlie's birthday and I was talking to him and I told him. Nearly everything (skipped the 'I used to have a crush on you part... that would've been weird...') and he was more than fine with it. It was out of the blue but great.
It just felt right...
But the MOST amazing thing of all happened today.
Me and Raquel (my flatmate) went to Fibre; a gay bar where Miki works, to surprise him. We got there and he wasn't there. So we sat down. She was talking about relationships and I could feel the 'I have to tell you' feeling building up inside me. She was reaching the end of her romantic dilemmas rant and I could see the reciprocating question stampeding toward the conversation... so I prepared myself. I built my speech up to it. The words all planned.
Problem was I couldn't get the words out. It was too risky. Far too high pressure. We were in a public place. I was getting embarassed. I blushed. Heavily. My god. (I'm mixed race. trust me. blushing is a feat within itself....)
She saw me struggling with it so long I could tell I was giving myself away. She was smiling and I knew she had figured it out.
'Are you trying to say you like guys Sam?'
....
'Yeah. Kind of. Yeah Basically'
'Okay... so why are you making such a big deal out of it?'
I laughed. Relief and genuine hilarity.
She took it well. Great actually. We talked at great length but had to stop cos Raya came and met us (a girl I was with in freshers, I figured telling her then would have been awkward in more ways than I needed at that moment)
THEN My phone rang. It was Andrea.
Andrea and I have been BEST BEST BEST friends since we were 6 years old. We are like minded in nearly every possible way, she is a lot more carefully planned and executed than me, but that aside... We have always had a deep, unexplainable, connection. We are literally like siblings and above everyone, her reaction is the one I feared. The one that would literally make or break the coming out process. Which is why I have been putting it off.
I answered the phone and I can't explain it, but before she even spoke I could tell she was about to tell me something important. I excused myself from the conversation with Raquel and Raya and went outside.
We were talking. She told me she had something to tell me and I said I did too.
I told her I was attracted to guys.
She was fine with it.
She told me that she has gender identity disorder (I think that's its proper name???)
I was fine with it.
The conversation went on for at least two hours... surgery (hers), coming out (both of ours), men(mine), our past. All under scrutiny. Beautiful. You couldn't put it in a film, honestly surreal...
I said I have always kind of known. She said she always kind of knew about me.
Why have we wasted so much time?!
BEST DAY EVER!
I feel so strong now she knows. I cant explain that either. Now she is fine with it I just feel like I can tell anyone else and I DON'T care how they take it. I guess she is the only person I know I can't live in the disapproval of.
I have NEVER felt this happy to be me.
WOOOHOOO!!!
Good. Times.
- Bit hyper as you can imagine. Sorry if it makes no sense!
Sam
p.s. Eduardo and i_lk_me - I'm not gonna lie. I REALLY couldn't have made a single step without your support. Whatever ends up happening - I can't thank you enough for helping me come to terms with myself and my identity and of course being here for the closeted madness from day one... How you put up with all this is a testament to your endurance.
Thanks for making me feel a LITTLE less crazy.
You ROCK!
Major love
8 February 2010 at 12:16
aaaaw any time buddy. But you also seem to have the right people around you! That's great!
11 February 2010 at 00:15
See, I told you! It just kind of... happens! And once you've told one person, it just makes it easier to tell the next :D
Ditto Eduardo: any time. Glad we could help :)
love + hugs