The First Step
"Ambivalence suggests strong feelings in opposition.
The prefix; as in ambidextrous, means "both".
The rest of it, in Latin, means "vigour".
The word suggests that you are torn... ...between two opposing courses of action.
Will I stay or will I go?
Am I sane or am I crazy?"
- Girl, Interrupted.
I work at an Indie bar. Which, for those who are unsure, means that I spend my evenings working to The Killers, Daft Punk and Pendulum with a mixed bag of sexually diverse people.
Its a small place and we are very much like a family. Everyone, the managers, the staff, the regulars. I think the first screenplay I choose to write will certainly be about my time here.
Out of the 15 people on staff, 1 identifies as 'Gay' (also called Sam), 4 as Bisexual and a further 4 people have had sexual relationships with both Men and Women.
Up until 2 days ago, Only Sam knew about my sexual non-identity. A few of us went out to a nearby Indie bar after work. At one point on the dancefloor I was dancing with both my managers and barmaid from work (all female). I noticed a guy line up beside me and, while we were dancing, began speaking to me.
He asked me why I was out, who I was out with, if I liked this song, if I normally come out on a wednesday, if I wanted a drink. I was polite, I responded and I was slightly unsure why this guy was suddenly so present in my space.
It is here where I would like to highlight the fact I am NOT blessed with 'Gaydar'. Actually I am not blessed with any kind of sexual radar whatsoever. It means that even though I can sense something I am never sure whether its really there or I'm just jumping to conclusions; It also means people interpret me to be nonchalant when actually I'm just fucking clueless.
In retrospect it was pretty funny. This guy thought I was playing hard to get, I thought he was just being friendly and so naturally I was surprised when; as I announced my departure, he pulled me in for a kiss.
I pulled away. Truth be told I expected him to then become more pushy. Or angry. But he just said
'You don't want to kiss me do you? Sorry'
Which was the moment I realised how ridiculous it all was.
Of course I want to kiss you. In fact, as I have seen at least 4 other 'homo-kisses' here tonight, I feel like I should be contributing to the ambience if nothing else. My work-mates don't know that I would, but my knowledge would suggest that they certainly have no hang-ups about it. In fact the only reason I am not going to kiss you right now, is because...
because...
...
It was a sobering epiphany. Remaining closeted isn't something I am doing FOR myself; It is something I am doing TO myself. I am driving myself CRAZY with sickening cabin fever and lucidly drifting through a shady half existence. For what? So I can pass up the chance to kiss an attractive person. So I can enjoy a perfectly executed career alone. So that when I meet people with wonderful talent and ability, but a fear-induced closed view of homosexuality I know I can be accepted by them.
I DON'T CARE.
The arguments aren't good enough. So what if I go to hell? If that's really the way it is; I would rather be in hell with all the people who thought for themselves, than in heaven with all the sheep. So what if I lose everything? I am confident I can get it back and if I spend the rest of my life avoiding risk I'm going to die never knowing why I even bothered surviving so long. It will certainly be my only regret and I would happily deal with everyone hating it if it means that I can finally be happy for myself. With myself.
I would like to say I kissed him.
I would like to say that.
Is that really such a mammoth thing to ask?
...
I hope you understand this is why I felt I had to tell someone.
I had to.
So I chose to tell the people I work with.
Most people had no idea, one of the girls suspected but everyone was more than fine with it. All the 'bi/gay' staff members talked about their own lives, experiences and opinions on their own sexuality and I honestly felt like at any moment I was either going to laugh out loud or bawl hysterically. I couldn't have asked for more support and I couldn't have agreed with them more.
The next day everyone was still kind of talking about it, (at work we are always talking about sexuality, its what you get when a bar is staffed by, what seems to be, the entire LGBT society...) subtly checking I was alright after the previous night's three hour discussion and I genuinely feel great. It strangely brought everyone even closer together and, completely unintentionally, I have discovered a small world where I can be myself and accepted, that is until I branch it out into the real one.
...Whenever that is... I'm not sure.
What I do know is; I'm certainly no longer ambivalent.
Sam In REAL Life.
16 January 2010 at 00:06
Congrats on that milestone, I hope word doesn't speed all over your surroundings so you don't have to give explanations to people you're still not ready to.
I had two jobs last year and I didn't come out to any of my co-workers. Thinking about it, I could have, but I guess I wasn't brave enough.
Don't worry, your Gaydar will get better with time, but it's never 100% accurate! What happened to you with that guy used to happen to me with girls, cause I always saw them as friends and always thought they just wanted to be my friends... LOL I was never a good bisexual
16 January 2010 at 01:04
As Eduardo said: hope it doesn't get out into the wild (if you'll pardon the pun). I suppose the best thing about coming out after school is that all the parts of your life are quite separate; I came out in school and once one person knows... well, the entire schools knows, lol. But not necessarily a bad thing.
And I know what you mean; being closeted drives you crazy. I don't know how people do it for their entire lives. Far out.