Hi. I'm Sam.

Remember I mentioned there was a guy I was really attracted to?


Well I had a dream about him last night.


I think it might be because I wrote that post so late last night? I don't know -


I have never dreamt about Ben before. (the last 'crush' I dreamed about was a girl called Sierra from year 10 at secondary school!) But I'm unsure as to how to take it.


My dreams (aside from being rare in occurence) never seem to follow a narrative and are nearly always a symbolic apparation. (I once dreamed I was surrounded by women in red sari's walking on a river.) So I feel like, when they do happen, that they are usually trying to tell me something.


In this dream I was in a house (looked a bit like my aunties old house), stood at the bottom of the stairs, in the narrow hallway. The stairs were completely white and they stretched up onto the tudor style landing, a door was opposite the top of the stairs, it was open but I couldn't see what was inside. I looked up and Ben was sat at the top of the staircase, writing. I walked up and looked at him. We started having a conversation, but without words. I cant really explain it?!


I got this urge to kiss him, so I leaned in, he remained still. Then we sort of jumped back in time?


We we're both sat upright again, as though my kiss attempt never happened. I tried again and the same 'resetting' occurred. This time we both kinda moved in - and it reset. At this point I got annoyed and stood up. He followed me, turned me around on the landing and just as he looked like he was going to move in, my point of view changed. I was looking up from the bottom of the stairs, like I had at the start, at myself and Ben stood opposite each other, but a few seconds behind where we had just been. He looked (again) like he was about to kiss me and surprise sur-frikin-prise. Didn't. But instead he lifted me up, I wrapped my legs around his waist and he carried me through the (inwardly opening) door. Then the dream ended.


SO most of the time when I dream like this I read them up online to interpret them. Everytime I have checked the interpretations have definitely rang true for me. SO here's what this apparently means...

Pretty subdued Christmas this year, but I have really enjoyed it!


If I'm honest It's mainly because I am the proud owner of an new iPod =) after my old one broke I was pretty aimless so now my music collection has purpose (did someone set off the lame alarm? ah yes, that was me...).


Boxing Day looks like its gonna be pretty manic round here (still at my parents) 'cos my ENTIRE family is coming round, which pretty much means crammed to the rafters with loud caribbeans and rowdy northerners =). So there might not be a post tomorrow! just saying...


The first message I recieved this morning was from Alex. He does this 'innocent text message with hidden innuendo' thing. 'Merry Christmas! have a great day =) you going to cum  round again soon? :)'. I'm sure it doesn't need explaining... I hope it doesn't need explaining?!


Anyway it reminded me that I should probably get down the story about Alex now, cos I'll probably refer to him a bit and it's partly the reason why I started this blog, so settle in cos this is gonna be loong.


I'm pretty sure most closeted people find it difficult to find someone to even have discreet one off sex with, let alone frequent meetings, so I consider myself lucky to have met Alex. He was my first (and so far best) 'homo' experience - I met him on Manchester's Canal Street last December.


I had gone down because my (out) cousin Jordan was over from Canada so I offered to accompany him. (I can honestly say I had no idea Jordan was gay or that canal street was a gay area... seriously!). Needless to say when I got there I was surprised!


Alex has come along with a group of my cousins old mates (my cousin used to go to Manchester Uni before he moved). All of them now well into their thirties, I definately felt like young meat. Jordan explained to them I was 'straight' and they pretty much backed off, making the occasional flirty joke. 


I didn't dare make any kind of advance in return, certainly not with Jordan present. I played 'straight' pretty well I think. Until Alex (who hadn't been present for the 'he's straight' speech) came over, stood next to me at the bar and offered me a drink. One of Jordan's mates walked past him saying 'Good luck Alex he's straight' - Alex looked a little put out 'Oh sorry, I didn't realise' and backed away a little, suddenly aware of how close he was. And without thinking I replied;


'Well if you give up that easily...'


My heart beated a little faster just saying it. It was as though the horny gay part of me I had chained to a pole in the darkness of my head suddenly gained control. Alex had a weird look on his face, like what you would get if you blended 'knowing' and 'confusion' with 'a hint of excitement' and smeared it onto someone's face.


We all split to go to different bars (I followed Jordan obviously) so we all swapped numbers to meet up again. Later I was pissed and dancing with my cousin and his potential pull for the evening(David? Daniel?) when Alex messaged me to meet him in the downstairs room. I agreed.


I remember my heart racing. I had had dreams where mysterious guys pulled me off into dark corners and hidden villas and all sorts of imaginary pre-pubescent drivel, but I always woke up before anything exciting occurred. So I was a little convinced it wasn't actually going to happen. Whatever 'it' was.


I remember we stood face to face on the semi-busy downstairs dancefloor, we shuffled a dance for a moment, but he was looking at me so intently that I knew this wasn't why we were here. He began to speak to me and then, slightly drunkenly hugged me really close to him, (he was still speaking but I don't remember what he was saying) all I could focus on was the smell of his hair and his cologne. I can still remember it now, a really non-musky manly fragrance. If there is such a thing.


He pulled away from the hug, he stopped talking. I looked down at him and then he kissed me. Lightly at first. Just once. Then he pulled away. 


He looked pretty embarrassed. He mumbled out an 'I'm sorry...' so I'm sure he was intending to speak but I had already resumed kissing him by this point so it was anybody's guess what would have followed. I could feel myself giving in to some really powerful new/old urge. I pulled him closer to me, I ran my hands along his stubbly jawline and into his hair, he slid his hands down my back and pulled my hips in toward him. I can't really do it justice here, but it just felt, romantic. Weirdly.


We met up a couple of times later that night, kissing in hideaways in the club. He made sure no-one ever saw us. He checked I went home okay. And as soon as I got to bed the texts began.


Over the last year I've been to his house in Manchester (discreetly) a few times. Everytime is pretty great and he is definitely the reason I'm at this point now. I know that if I hadn't met him, I would be no closer to coming out than I was two years ago.


Mainly because before I couldn't visualise myself in a 'relationship' situation with a guy. Everything I had ever seen or heard about gay male relationships suggested that it was just about getting laid as often as possible before you die. So being treated like the 'date' (took me a while to get used to it) and not just fooling around, but watching films and debating music, watching him work on his production reels (he's a writer and producer for few BBC 3 shows) was very unexpected!


The experience has showed me what being with the right kind of guy can be like. I suddenly realised that I could have RELATIONSHIPS. Not with Alex, obviously. He's 37 and we are both enfatuated with other people (but we'll talk about that at a later date!) but at least this way we can both be a little bit more happy and vent to each other, even if its only for a short while.


SO basically I haven't seen him since september (visit number 4), he's been producing in L.A. but he text me last week to let me know he was back, check I was alive, catch up a bit etc. Naturally ever since I found out he was back in the UK I've wanted to 'cum' over to his for a while, but I always wait to be asked. And now here it is, now I've just got to find some time (and a good excuse...)


It's all research at the end of the day.... =)


Anyway I hope you had a wicked christmas... and I hope this blog makes sense; it's defo too long! but I've been checking this over on the house computer again, (which is why I'm posting so late) so I'm a bit on edge... lol.


'Seasons Greetings'


Sam

–noun